Saturday, April 10, 2010

Well........ LONG!

A lot has been going on lately in my life! As of last week, my father and 2 brothers moved in with me. At first, I was telling Joey, that it was only going to be for a little while until my dad gets back onto his feet and can get a place of his own. I was comforting Joey and letting him know that everything will be okay. Well throughout the last week, it has switched. I am the one that is freaking out and wanting to pull my hair out and Joey is standing next to me telling me that everything will be okay.  

As a little background, as a child my mom left when I was 7 years old. Leaving me and my brothers with my dad and I had to step up for them.By the time I was 10 my father had remarried and had his 5th child.  My step mom took care of us children and tried to be a mom to 4 extra children the best that she could. When I was in 8th grade, about 14 years old, my dad and step mom got a divorce. It was a hard tradition for me, not only being the only girl in the house now, but also being forced to move from the mountains 6 months after they moved us there. I had to start all over at a new school and town and just as a family of 4 instead of 7. It was hard. 

I took the position of a "mom" at the age of 14. I had to watch my younger brothers after school, weekends, and anytime my dad went out or had plans.  I had to give up sports, after school activities and pretty much all freedom, until my dad was home, or my brothers got old enough to watch themselves.... Needless to say, I spent 4 years of high school, watching my brothers.  I became the person that disciplines, cooks, cleans, and somebody telling these boys what they can and cant do.  Being an older sister, I believe that ruined my relationship with my brothers because, I wasn't somebody that they wanted to have fun with but somebody that they didnt listen to or wanted to be around.  Up until I was 19 years old, I played that role with the boys.  

Now that I am out of the house and living with my fiance and enjoying life as an adult, I realized that I should have never been placed in that situation as a child. Even though, we are all older now, that mothering automatic switch goes on when I am around my brothers. I hate it! I hate that I cant be a normal sister to them but instead I am a person that I have to "mother" them. It wouldnt be so bad, but I have MAJOR anxiety in any case when I am round them.

Since they now live with me, I find myself more and more and more anxious and panic and angry. I say something, they don't listen, I ask for something, they don't listen, I try and try and try but it just doesn't work. I pretty much have to yell at these boys to get a single response.  It is driving me insane!!!!!! I know that a lot of their reactions come from the fact that my dad doesn't discipline my brothers so in a sense, they have no respect for anything! Its so hard to deal with them.  

I don't want to be that person that yells and is angry and needs to take a pill to relax, I don't want to be that person that others can't stand but man, the way that it is looking right now, I am going to need to take a vacation EVERY weekend just to be sane!  

On top of all this anxiety, I am fighting with my best friend and right now is just a really hard time for me!

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