Thursday, April 15, 2010


Sometimes I want to fall down and cry! It doenst happen often but every now and then I get a spell of loneliness and want to just sit in a corner and cry.  Most of my unhappiness comes from that fact that I dont have a super supportive family. 

As I had said in a previous blog, my mother left us children when I was 7 years old.  Growing up  was hard considering I didn't have a mother to hold my hand or comfort me when I had a bad day or when I was feeling sick. Although, I had my father , its not the same as your mom. At the age of 10 years old, I completely stopped seeing my mom, due to the exposure of drug, alcohol and abuse. When my father remarried, it was nice to have another female around, but by the time I got fully comfortable with the idea of another woman, they were getting divorced. After the divorce, my father moved us 3 children to the city from Bailey and later my sister joined us. 

My sister and I have a very odd relationship. We never got along when we were younger and then she left for Illinois before my mom left us.  She wasn't there to support me, as the little sister and let me know it was okay. So when she came to leave with us, I was a freshman in high school. We would fight all the time, she would take my clothes and make up and use everything I owned. During the summer, while I was in California and my father was in Ohio for business, she broke into my bedroom (I kept it locked due to her stealing) took a lot of my belongs and my dad's snowmobiling gear and pawned it for drug money. She moved out before I got home from Cali and lived at her boyfriends house, which lived across the street. 

By the end of summer, my sister was pregnant at the age of 18 years old, with no high school diploma, no job and now expecting. I dont know how it happened, but I came to my sisters rescue. I knew that she needed me and I was there for everything and anything that she needed. All of the appointments, showers, labor & delivery, first 2 years. I was there for her all the time and my niece!  She eventually moved out and came back and move out and came back and I graduated high school and started college and she moved down to Aurora.  She met a boy got pregnant twice and slowly our relationship stopped.  

It has been a full year and a half and I still have not fully hung out or talked to my sister like we used to. I cant tell her anything and she doesn't tell me anything. There is basically no relationship.

Now that I am about to get married and start a family of my own (5+ years) I realized that I wish I had that relationship like may daughters do with their mom and sister. I am jealous of those people who have that love and support, because I dont have it.  I dont have my sister as my maid of honor or my mom becoming a momzilla for her little girl, instead I am living my life without that part, without a mom and a sister.   Its so hard sometimes and its nearly impossible to explain to somebody, because there are only a few that know how I feel. 

Im lost and lonely!

1 comment:

  1. I just stumbled onto your blog!
    Sorry to hear about your mom & sister!

    My dad left when I was 2 and never really had any contact with him. Honestly, I feel BLESSED that he left, he had drug and alcohol problems and I really do feel that if he stayed in my life I would not have turned out the way I did (normal) . So maybe your life was better than it would have been if your mom stayed. Hope that makes sense. Hugs and have a GREAT wedding!!